402. Difficult Memories

When something terrible happens to us, we can easily become fixated on it. The memory of the event replays over and over again, dominating our thoughts. Every instance of remembering causes us to partially re-experience the event, which in turn causes us to suffer further.

With the passage of time, the memory usually arises less frequently. But if something reminds us of the bad experience, then our suffering can return with overwhelming force. We begin to think that we will always suffer unless we can somehow forget the experience entirely.

Permanent forgetting feels like the only possible release from suffering, because it is only when we are not recalling the memory that we feel free. But we do not need to forget in order to break free from suffering. We already know this because our days are no longer filled with suffering over the experience, even though we are still capable of remembering it. What has changed with time is not the strength of our memory but the strength of our attachment to it.

When the memory of the bad experience was in our thoughts daily, our attachment was so strong that it blocked our attention from everything else. But with time, the attachment weakened, and our attention was no longer locked on the memory. We were then able to see more, and our focus naturally shifted towards other things, causing our suffering to lessen. The memory of the experience was still available but we were no longer inclined to seek it out.

We don’t have to rely on time to gradually produce this change in our attention. We can also actively loosen our attachments, and by doing so bring an end to our suffering directly. We do this by seeing more clearly how the suffering we feel arises from attachments connected to the memory.

The attachments at the root of a painful memory are usually complex, which means this process will not be straightforward. We will need to unearth and investigate the entire network of attachments that are connected to our suffering. It is only when we can see these connections clearly that we will also begin to discover our ability to free ourselves from attachment and the suffering it produces.