403. Back To Happiness

There must have been a time when he was happy. Of this, he feels fairly certain. But he also knows memories are often grander than the experiences they represent, so he must not exaggerate. Still, he feels confident he was once happy.

He can remember how everything used to move gently from one experience to the next. His life felt so easy and relaxed then, so free from debilitating concerns. His worries were confined to trivial things, like the places he had to go the next day or his standing among his peers. Never was there any kind of protracted struggle. Problems arose but they were quickly dispatched.

His life now is nothing like this. Now, he is constantly struggling. Now, problems last forever and actions merely postpone or placate them for a short time. Still, not every moment is filled with anguish. He has moments of satisfaction, moments when he has no obligations, moments of peace.

But his present life feels far beneath the one he once possessed. He feels this intensely. He wants to get back to that other life, the one of pleasant ease. Most importantly, he wants to find again that feeling of happiness that seems to have abandoned him.

He thinks the only way to get there is literally to go back. At least as much as he can. He has to rebuild his old life by restoring the interests and priorities he once had. So much of his life now revolves around his obligations to other people, and almost none of his life was about that when he used to be happy.

To go back would require major changes. He would have to upend all that he has achieved and start over from scratch. He would have to abandon all of the people he is obligated to and reclaim his independence. These facts keep him from doing anything. A total reset would simply be too much. It would cause too much harm, not just to himself but also to others, and they don’t deserve that, especially not from him.

He knows he has to keep going. He has to keep living the life he has built for himself. He has to live this life while somehow also incorporating parts of his old life so that he can recreate his happiness. This is no easy matter, but somehow he has to make it work. He has to figure out how to be both without accidentally becoming neither.