339. Despising Attachment

The power of joy can be astonishing. Everything that was once dark and depressing is suddenly transformed into light and purpose, and I feel more capable than ever before. I can easily start to think that all that is wrong and bad has been permanently defeated and that this victory couldn’t possibly leave me.

But then suffering returns in some form, and it becomes all too clear that this was only a fantasy. It can be shocking to be so rapidly engulfed in suffering when joy has been with me for so long. But really there should be no surprise. I know that my awareness is not perfect and there are things I still have not seen or understood. This means I will still form attachments, so suffering is always just around the corner.

Where there is still room for awareness to grow, there is also room for suffering to arise again from attachment. For joy to stay with me always, I would need to be completely empty of attachment. This naturally leads me to despise attachment — I want it permanently gone so that I can live with endless joy.

But an aversion to attachment can be dangerous. It’s no different from any other aversion, which means I can also become attached to it. Then I will suffer doubly when I happen to become attached to some further intention. I will suffer from both the new attachment and my existing attachment to my aversion to attachment.

The only way out of this cycle of attachment and suffering is greater awareness. I must do everything I can to keep my attention open and free so that I can see more broadly and deeply. I must regularly remind myself that I am not yet free of attachment and that my awareness is not complete. By doing these things, I create the possibility for joy to arise again and again.