338. Tired Of Choosing

She is always forced to choose. Between this job and that job. Between this love and that love. Between this project and that project. Between this life and that life. But she doesn’t want only this or that. She wants both. And she is tired of choosing.

She knows she can’t do everything. She isn’t asking for supernatural powers. What bothers her is the imposed requirement to exclude. She doesn’t want to abandon things or people. She wants to stay open to everything that might be possible for her. But no one will allow her to make such a choice.

The people around her want her to commit to one option, to one life. The structure of the world itself seems to force this choice, it seems to demand that she apply all of her efforts in a single direction. This endless narrowing down is a tragedy, she feels. She doesn’t want to be boxed in. She wants just as much possibility to grow tomorrow as she has today. But she cannot see how that can happen if she is always forced to limit herself.

Everyone tells her that she must value one option more than the others. But her concern is not the things or people she is choosing between. It’s the loss of freedom that bothers her. She wants to be free to do what she wants, when she wants. She wants to move fluidly through the world, following her attention wherever it leads her. She wants to have a wide variety of experiences, taking as many or as few adventures as she feels compelled to take.

The strangest part, she thinks, is that this narrowed-down life is so easily accepted by others. Why does everyone want this when there’s a chance for something more free and joyful? Safety and certainty are the only reasons she can come up with. She knows they are important reasons, but what’s the point of being safe or certain if you’re forced to live in a tiny box?

She wants uncertainty and risk even though they scare her. She wants them even though she knows they will sometimes bring her harm. She wants them because the demand to surrender her freedom and the possibilities it offers is simply too much to accept.