283. Who Is Responsible

He knows he’s supposed to be working on his project. He’s supposed to be, but he’s not. Instead he’s thinking about it, about what form it might take, about how he could put it together, about the kinds of arguments he could make, about the evidence he could employ, about how he could achieve the greatest rhetorical impact.

All of this is theoretical. Not a single word has landed on the page. There is not even a page for it to land on, since he’s not at his desk. Still, he’s thinking about the project and he feels this should count for something. It does not. He should be writing.

He should be writing and he’s not. Where does this “should” come from, he wonders. There’s an expectation that he will complete something. There are people — his editor, mainly — waiting on him to produce some valuable words. But no one can force him to do it. Only he can require it of himself.

And does he? At this moment, he does not. The result is that there is no progress. Nothing is happening. Nothing will happen. Not now, at least. But if he’s going to procrastinate on the project, then he thinks he should at least do something else that would be productive.

There’s that pesky “should” again. Who is responsible for it? Again, it has to be him. He has imposed these standards on himself — standards about using time efficiently, about getting things done, about making progress. He isn’t allowed to just sit here, lounging around. So says he.

But what if sitting here is exactly what he needs right now? He tells himself this is an important question. If he needs to rest, should he not rest? It’s difficult to argue with that. Maybe rest is more important than work right now. Then he realizes he’s only playing a mind game. He’s sabotaging himself by not working and there will be real consequences he won’t enjoy.

Where does this all get worked out — his obligation to work and his need for rest? Where is the final answer? He has no idea and this lack of knowledge suddenly scares him. Not knowing means risk and risk is scary. He goes over to his desk and gets straight to work.