83. When The Windows Are Open

The windows are open and they will stay open. She opens them in the spring and keeps them that way into the fall, only closing them briefly whenever there is rain. But it rarely rains in the dry season, so the windows are almost never closed in the summer.

The windows must stay open because she needs continuity between the space inside and the space outside. When the air inside differs too much from the air outside, she begins to feel claustrophobic, as though she were trapped underground and isolated from the world. But with the windows open, the air is all one and the same, so she feels connected to the world outside. She feels connected to everything, to all that exists, and that makes her feel more alive.

It’s the boundaries that bother her. She feels like part of her own self is missing when she is forced to be apart from everything else. She becomes an island, separated by impassable seas from the great mass of the world. A mass that she cannot see or understand, a mass of indifference or perhaps even hostility.

But when the windows are open, the boundaries fade. The harsh waters that separate her drain away and there is only one continuous, connected land. Her island then is nothing but a hill. Then she feels truly in the world, she feels its movement and its vitality, even when she is home alone.

Practically, this isn’t always advantageous. If it gets too hot outside, she has to suffer, for what is outside also comes inside. She forbids air conditioning of any kind, since the artificial cold would construct yet another boundary between her and the warmth of the world. This means she must be uncomfortable sometimes, but she accepts this cost.

Her policy of open windows extends beyond her physical home and into her relationships with people. She also feels a daunting absence when there are too many boundaries between herself and others. She tries to become ever closer to the people she loves, to melt away the distinction between herself and her loved ones.

In every aspect of her life, she seeks this feeling of oneness with all that is other. Only rarely does she succeed and it’s usually in her closest friendships. But she refuses to allow failures or limitations to discourage her. Just as she is forced to close her windows in the winter when the heavy rain arrives, she knows there will always be limits to what she can do. Still, she aspires to keep her windows and herself as open as possible, no matter what discomfort that might bring.