259. What I Should Do

There are countless things I should do. I should exercise at least three times per week. I should say “thank you” when someone helps me. I should put the “e” before the “i” when I’m spelling the word “weight”. I should drive slowly near the elementary school. I should tell my friend I’m going to be late. I should get at least seven hours of sleep each night.

Some of these shoulds feel more important than others, but the source of their force is always me. It’s always my choice as to whether or not a particular should will be enforced. This is true even when there are others who will impose a penalty on me if I don’t follow the rule or norm, for my desire to avoid the penalty is yet another should, namely “I should not do anything that will get me punished.”

The force of should arises from my own reflective judgment. I’ve judged that it’s in my best interest to do something, so I tell myself that I ought to do it. These judgments arise through the values I’ve acquired from my own experiences. With different experiences, I might judge differently. This means that some of the things I judge I should do, you might judge you shouldn’t do, or vice versa.

My judgments are about the world I desire, the world I want to avoid, and the world I believe to be true. These intentions combine into the shoulds that tell me what I ought to do to bring about the desired world and avoid the undesired world. The fact that the force of should is rooted in my desires, aversions, and beliefs is a good reason to be skeptical of it. For if I become attached to these intentions, I might feel I should do something contrary to what I or another person needs.

Compassion is concerned not with “should” but with what is needed and only what is needed. This means it often demands more from me than my own values or beliefs require. To be able to notice this, I must allow myself to carefully examine all of the things I feel I should do and question their necessity.