207. Wanting To Feel Better

When I’m feeling down, I can also feel unable to do anything. There are tasks I need to complete, actions I must take to support myself and others, but I feel I can’t do them because my negative feelings are too strong. I logically infer I need to improve how I feel before I can take action. I feel it’s only when my emotional state changes that I’ll be able to start making progress.

But when this happens, I’m under the control of attachment. It can be difficult to see this, because the desire I’ve become attached to is both common and subtle. All I want is to feel better, and it doesn’t seem like this could actually harm me. But if I’m attached to this desire, it will produce suffering just like any other, as I will manipulate my attention and actions to reach the desired result.

It might not seem like I’m exerting any control over myself. It might feel like I’m only reacting to my current mood. But it’s precisely this kind of reactive behaviour that is indicative of attachment. When I’m reacting, I’m not responding to what is needed and necessary, which means I’ll continue to avoid doing the things I must for myself and the people around me.

To do what’s needed, I must break free of my desire to feel better. I must see that it too is not me, that it does not have to be fulfilled, and that I can take action regardless of my emotional state. When I’m free, I grant myself the opportunity to do must be done.

This does not mean I have to go on feeling bad. On the contrary, allowing myself to do what is needed and necessary is most likely to create the joy I desperately need. It also does not mean I have to oppose pleasure or try to avoid it. I can enjoy pleasure when it comes, but when it’s not present I won’t seek it out.

By seeing the reality of my desire to feel better, I also start to become aware of the suffering it can produce through attachment. When I can see this clearly, I will allow myself the space from this desire to be able to act as I must to help myself and others.