418. This And That

When he hears that name it always takes a moment for its meaning to register. That it refers to him is not immediately apparent. The name is one he no longer uses for himself. Still, there are many others who know him by it, so he continues to respond to it.

He continues to participate in the system of which the old name is a part. He could stop participating, since he has no great attachment to that name, but he isn’t sure he wants to do this. To him it would mean making a hard break with his past self. A break that he sometimes feels strongly, but which is not part of the system that connects him with others.

The world of this system is not just in the past but also in the present. It carries on in the minds of the people who know him as a part of that world and system. It carries on also in the ways they know him, which are necessarily different from the ways he knows himself.

He accepts all of this in practice, but acceptance is not without its disadvantages. For when the old name is used he feels himself yanked into the past and this sudden dislocation is often disorienting. Perhaps he has settled in what he is now and any deviation from his new self is becoming more difficult.

To be both his past self and his present self would be best of all. Then he could freely be what he is to those who know him by his old name and also be himself at the same time. And when he is most honest with himself, he knows he really is both. Being both means not only accepting his role in the past world but accepting and expressing his present self as well.

He is not singular but multiple. He is this and he is that. His inescapable multiplicity is a struggle. It means trying to be more than the world wants him to be, or even will allow him to be. But it is a struggle that he believes worthwhile, for it feels closer to the truth in his heart than any alternative.