148. The Well Of His Mind

He needs to be distracted at all times. His attention has to be completely occupied. If it isn’t, he will be overwhelmed by his own thoughts and feelings. Only when he is distracted does he feel somewhat calm.

In the absence of distraction, he starts to descend. He falls deeper and deeper into the well of his mind, and the darkness is soon too much to bear. Memories arise constantly, memories of horrors he wishes he could forget. Memories of lost people and things he has done, each accompanied by a judgment.

He judges himself harshly for his past, for all the wrongs he has done and all the good he has failed to do. He should be better than he is, but he’s not, and he cannot bear to sit with that thought. At times he feels his judgments as though they were physical entities, beings holding him tightly in their grasp and slowly crushing him. When this happens he is trapped, and he cannot do anything except wait for the terror to pass.

The only way for him to live is to immerse himself fully in whatever pulls his attention away from the past, away from his memories and his unrelenting judgments. He knows the judgments are not real, he knows they are only his creations, but still he can only flee. He is forced to go from one distraction to the next, each one only a temporary balm for his pain.

He knows this is no way to live. He knows he could do so much more if he were free. He knows he could finally become the person he is capable of being. He knows he needs to stop running from his judgments. He knows he has to sit with them and accept them until they lose their power and pass.

If he can let them pass, then there might be a chance for silence. And it’s silence that he desperately needs. Silence would mean true calm, a calm without distraction and without terror. But is this possible? Does he really have it in him to sit through the pain and find the other side?