182. The Urge To Reciprocate

If you tell someone you like them and they immediately respond by telling you they also like you, there are two possibilities. The first is what you’re hoping for: they genuinely appreciate you and they feel the same as you do about them. The second is much less desirable: they have not considered their feelings, and when they’re forced to quickly do so, they return your words as nothing more than a friendly platitude.

The urge to return the sentiment is strong because of the belief that reciprocation is required. The other person does not want to seem ungrateful or otherwise lacking by failing to return what you have graciously given them. They want to maintain balance in the relationship, which they know is necessary to keep it healthy and viable. The intention behind an unfelt reciprocation is not to harm but to support the connection.

Even so, this kind of response can feel deceptive. It feels this way because your perspective is firmly rooted in the realm of the first possibility — that they really do feel just as you do. You’ve told them you like them because you greatly value them and what they bring to your life. When they then tell you the same thing, you’re already primed to believe your feelings are the same. And when it later comes out that this might not be true, it can feel like you’re the victim of a deception.

What might have been better for you is for the other to accept your feelings without indulging the urge to reciprocate (unless they actually do feel the same). But there’s no way for you to ensure they’re aware of this, so you have to be the one to create clarity. Directly asking the other to hold off from responding immediately at least gives them an opportunity to consider their feelings more carefully. Reciprocation arises out of a sense of obligation. By releasing the other from the obligation, you help to enable greater honesty in their response.