455. The Reflective Trap

To become more aware, I need to reflect on what I’ve done and what I will do. I need to use all of my powers of inquiry to examine my experiences and ask myself questions about what I find there. It is by exploring my memories and imaginings that I can become more aware, and thus more inclined to act with compassion towards myself and others.

But sometimes I become trapped in the reflective state. If I continue to analyze my past actions not out of the need for awareness but because I have regrets, then I am trapped. If I continue to plan out my future actions not out of the need for purpose but because I have anxieties, then I am trapped.

There is such a thing as being too reflective. It is a retreat into the self that prevents me from taking action. I keep thinking and weighing and analyzing. I become stuck in an endless process of rumination, seeking a final conclusion that does not exist. When this happens I’m completely in the grip of attachment, usually to intentions about perfection or uncertainty. I need to notice this attachment and see how it produces the suffering of regret or anxiety that is keeping me trapped.

Only by seeing that I’m trapped do I gain the chance to free myself. And it has to be me that does the freeing. No one else can get me out of this trap because it’s one I’ve constructed for myself. I break free by noticing the problem and loosening my attention from the activity of reflection, which creates the conditions for new intuitions to arise.

This means accepting my imperfect past and my uncertain future. It means trusting that my actions have been and will be the best ones I’m capable of in the moment. It means allowing myself to put aside reflective thought and listen again to my intuitions. It is only through attention to these things that I can utilize the awareness I’ve developed through reflection and start taking action again.