298. The Other Self

He knows who he is but there is no way for him to actually be that person. It’s too much even for him to think about. When he does try to think about it, it’s only for a moment or two before he gets frustrated. And since he can barely think about it, he certainly cannot talk about it.

It’s not as if anyone would talk to him about it anyway. He knows he’s alone. There isn’t anyone around who would understand. And there’s no point in trying to express himself when the only person who’ll hear him is himself.

People just want you to shut up and follow the usual ways. That’s how he sees things. He tries to do this to the best of his ability, but it takes every last drop of energy he can muster, including the energy it would take to be honest with himself. Being honest would mean confronting his fear, and that doesn’t feel realistic.

His fear is so nebulous and vague that he cannot possibly grasp it, let alone confront it. Roughly it’s a fear about what he is and what he isn’t. About the person he probably should be but cannot seem to actually be. About what would happen to him if he tried to be this other self. About how his life would change and things would become even more uncertain than they already are.

The problem is not just what he is and should be but what he would become if he tried being that and the difficulties it would create. It would mean committing to a wholly different kind of life that people might call strange or deviant. It would mean abandoning the comfort and safety of his present situation for something far more risky. And who is going to help him with all of that? Himself? He alone is not nearly enough for him to bet his life on.

He cannot trust himself to make the change because he cannot even trust himself to be honest with himself. That seems plainly true, for he wouldn’t be thinking about these things in this way if there were any real possibility of the change happening.

He has accepted that he’s alone and that his continued survival depends on making no changes. He will go on being what he already is, even if it means living in denial. He will continue playing the role that has been handed to him. He cannot see how he has any choice in the matter.