203. The Object Of Desire

She knows she sometimes has a strong effect on people. She has been told it’s because she’s attractive, but she doesn’t allow herself to believe this. When she’s around, people start to act strangely, as though they’re unable to simply accept her presence. Their attention turns to her and their actions become incomprehensible.

She doesn’t know if this lack of comprehension stems from her own inability to read people or if people are just stranger than she imagines. She assumes it must be some combination of the two, for she knows she often misses signals and everyone is weird in some way, even her.

She finds it almost impossible to understand people or their priorities. Why don’t they just say what they want from her? If they would be clear with her, then she would happily be clear in return. But instead things are always muddled and foggy.

She tries to be as direct as she can with everyone. She tries to say exactly what she thinks and feels. Except when she knows doing this would overly hurt someone. Then she holds it in. She doesn’t like doing this, but she knows it’s necessary. She doesn’t want to cause anyone pain, and she definitely doesn’t want to provoke anger.

She cannot handle people’s anger. She wants to keep the peace as much as possible. She wants everyone to be happy. But of course they’re often not happy. She knows this and she feels partly responsible for it. But she cannot possibly give everyone what they want, for what about her own wants? Do they not matter too? And what if what she wants most is to be left alone, to keep to herself, to keep all of her to herself?

She just wants to exist. As herself and as a part of her community, just like everyone else. But it seems she cannot do even this without also being an object of desire.