26. The Last One He Will Ever Read

The old clock in the kitchen says it’s almost nine when he finally gets home. He was at work for over ten hours, plus the time to commute there and back. Now, he is exhausted. He showers quickly and eats leftovers from the fridge before collapsing onto the couch. He wants to sleep, but he knows it will be impossible. Despite his exhaustion, his mind refuses to slow down. It is still running at full speed, replaying today’s events and imagining tomorrow’s problems. He considers turning on the TV to distract him. It would give him a virtual world to fall into, a world built out of blitzes of image and sound that would occupy his mind until it finally surrenders and allows him to sleep. But he does not actually want this. He does not want more noise and activity. What he really wants is clarity. But lying here and ruminating on his life does nothing to make things clearer. He needs something to calm his mind. He ponders the problem but finds no solution, and so he decides to stop thinking about it. He will just do something. He picks up a book he has been reading. He opens it and looks at the words and realizes he doesn’t want to read. The book feels burdensome and the text looks oppressive and unwelcoming. Even so, he continues to stare at the page. He finds himself scanning the words, skipping to the place where he left off. He reads without intention, absent of any goal. He does not even know if he will make it beyond this page. He takes in each sentence as though it were the last one he will ever read. He examines it carefully, much more carefully than he ordinarily would, allowing it to fully occupy his mind. He reads it again and again, letting its meaning sink into him. Finally his attention dries up and he moves to the next sentence. And then the next. Eventually he comes across a sentence that is more interesting than the others. It seems to have multiple meanings and he is unable to settle on just one. He starts to take the sentence apart, moving the words around and replacing them with others. He plays this game with the words until his attention finally drifts to the next sentence. He continues on like this, considering everything carefully, imagining the full scope of possibility created by the language. Soon his mind grows tired. He reads only a page or two before he settles into the bliss of dreamful sleep.