198. The First Step

I can’t stay quiet for this to work. Getting to know someone means speaking to them. I have to keep talking. But to keep the words flowing is a struggle. Every silence fills me with dread because of the chance I might not escape it. I’m constantly scanning my memory for information and anecdotes to share. Sometimes there’s nothing forthcoming, not even a question to ask, and I panic. But then I’m rescued by the grace of the other. They offer up some words of their own and I’m instantly relieved. I try to keep every thread running for as long as I can but I always run out of string. Then the silence returns and so does my anxiety. I can think of questions to ask but they feel somehow inappropriate. They’re either too direct or too strange and my standing in the conversation feels far too perilous to venture such an attempt. I’m worried that saying something wrong will cause the other to pull away and then what? How could I possibly recover? Every word feels like a risk because I cannot know in advance how it will be received. I try to stick to simple subjects, to topics both inoffensive and pleasant. So far this is working but the conversation is also overwhelmingly boring. When would be a good time to inject some excitement? I don’t know and I’m bothered by this absence of knowledge. Perhaps there is no good time. Perhaps I just have to take the risk even though it’s scary. There’s no way to know where the other’s boundaries lie without testing them. But am I prepared for rebuke? Will I be able to withstand harsh criticism? I might withdraw so deeply into myself that I’ll be forced to abandon the conversation completely. But still I can’t shutdown in advance out of mere worry. The other seems so kind and friendly that such a devastating response seems unlikely. They would probably laugh off any unwanted words without a second thought. But hopefully that won’t be necessary. Hopefully they will not only accept what I say but also respond to it amicably. I would like this for it would mean we’re growing closer. But I can’t get there without trying. I have to take the first step. There is no other way.