144. The Dizziness Of Freedom

You are here and you are not. You are physically here, but you feel out of place. You’re unsure of how to act, of how to exist. You don’t know what to do with yourself. Time is passing but too slowly. You want something to happen, something that will clarify things, something that will show you what you’re supposed to do. But nothing happens. Everything is uncertain. There are no clues pointing to a clear answer. And you’re completely on your own. No one offers any hints. You want someone to save you but no rescue is forthcoming. Asking what to do is no use, for you’re only told that you can do anything you’d like. But you know this isn’t true. The subtext says otherwise. It says there are paths that are right and others that are wrong. You’re supposed to know which is which. You can see you’re being evaluated, even at this very moment. But you don’t know the criteria and they could be anything. Your strongest instinct is to flee. But it’s obvious you can’t run from life itself. You must manage. You must survive. You must contend. This is what you have to do no matter how uncomfortable it feels. For you also have to manage your feelings. You have to navigate your feelings and the world at the same time. You have to locate a path forward through time that gets you from here to there. The path will be narrow and it will be yours alone. The paths of others might look more appealing but they are not for you. Your path will be yours because you will choose it. And in choosing it you will become responsible for it. You will be responsible for everything you do and everything you do not do. Others will see what you have done and they will judge you. To be completely consumed by anxiety is to be always focused on your responsibility and the choices you must make. It is to feel out of place in every moment of life.