159. The Ability To Surrender

A person lacking in critical judgment hardens himself against the evidence his beliefs are false in the same way as a person who is lacking in empathy hardens herself against feeling the suffering of another as her own.

In both cases, the person retreats into the self and rejects the other, ignoring it or fighting against it. The alternative is to surrender — to allow the evidence to prevail over the false beliefs, and the suffering of another to prevail over the false peace of isolation. Through surrender, the self gains an opportunity to grow into more, precisely by accepting a part of the other.

Why is it that we can sometimes doubt the self and its judgments, while we sometimes stubbornly retreat into it? As always, this is a problem of awareness, and a problem of awareness is also a problem of exposure. A person who has become hardened against the other has not been exposed to the experiences necessary to put their understanding into doubt.

When our awareness is limited, we can easily become attached to our self-image. We then hide behind our pride and deny, deny, deny all that seems to threaten us. We construct a wall of lies to stand between us and the world, in the vain belief it will keep us safe from the demands of the other.

In many cases, further experience is all that is needed for us to discover the value of the other. But sometimes we have become so profoundly attached to our self-image that our attention is too narrow for experience alone to suffice. We will then continue to lie to ourselves, and remain unchanged in our beliefs.

Our only hope then is the compassion of another person. This must be someone who does not condemn us or look down on us, as these things will only cause us to react defensively. This must be someone who will approach us with honesty and demand our honesty in return. This must be someone who has surrendered many times and who is now able to confidently encourage us to do the same.

An encounter with a compassionate other can help us have the first experiences that liberate our attention just enough to see something more than we have seen before, and from there it again becomes possible for our awareness to grow and broaden.