209. Tension With The Other

When the other is still an other, there is a palpable tension with the self. The tension originates in the perception of the other person’s otherness. At the forefront of attention is the simple fact that the other is not the self.

Sometimes this tension results in feelings of repulsion or hostility. This happens when the other feels too foreign to the self and its values. But more often, the tension produces curiosity, the desire to know the other better and incorporate their otherness into the self. The other is not the self, so there is always something the other has that the self does not, and vice versa.

A mutual desire to know the other, to explore their perspective and experience, can lead to the connection of friendship. Sometimes the mutual desire is so energetic and exciting for both that it transforms into a more substantial attraction. It then enters the realm of the erotic, where the desire is not merely to know, but to consume and be consumed by the other, to join two beings into one.

As the other is gradually incorporated into the self, the tension relaxes and curiosity evaporates. While the other remains physically separate, their perspective and experience has now been largely added to the self. In cases of erotic attraction, this incorporation can be even more total, so that the other feels like an extension of the self. When the other is included in the self, there is also usually the familiarity, affection, and care that we call love.

But because the tension has now relaxed, the desire for the other might also fade. Since the other is no longer truly separate, their presence might be taken for granted. Any parts the self has not already accepted are usually those that have been rejected because they conflict with the self’s attachments.

A consequence of this is that a new tension can arise between the self and the other. But this tension does not produce curiosity or attraction but rather bitterness and resentment. The self believed its triumph over the other would be total, that it would achieve transcendence, but this did not happen. It failed to happen because of a lack of awareness. The self is unable to see how its attachments inhibit its acceptance of the other, and so an unbridgeable gap between the two still remains.