274. Talking To Myself

There are many ways to expand my awareness. I can look out at the world around me and explore its contents and the connections between them. I can witness the actions of other people, consider their feelings and motivations, and listen to the stories they tell about their experiences. I can seek out the creations of humanity — the art and writing that speaks to our shared experience.

I can also look inwards at the self and explore my own feelings, thoughts, memories, and imaginings. I can investigate the sources of my desires, aversions, and beliefs. I can reflect on my own experiences of suffering and joy and try to locate their roots. Even in total isolation from the outside world, I always have access to the endless fountain of awareness that is the self.

I need to explore the self, for it is here that I can discover the causes of my intentions and see how I so easily become attached to them. These attachments can produce endless suffering for myself and others. It is when I can fully see my attachments and their connection to my suffering that I gain the opportunity to break free of them.

Seeing the whole complex of attachments operating in me is not straightforward because there are parts that are hidden by familiarity and parts that I do not wish to see. To overcome this, I have to allow my attention to wander openly throughout the self, while taking care to free it when it gets stuck. When I discover something I don’t understand I need to allow myself to reflect on it. I need to express what I see, listen to what I express, and also question it.

In this way, the investigation of the self is similar to talk therapy. In therapy, the therapist is the more-aware other who supplies me with questions that allow me to broaden my understanding of myself. But when I reflect, I become multiple — I am both therapist and patient. I am the subject that asks and the object that responds.

When I engage in self-reflection, I am effectively talking to myself. Sometimes this takes the form of literal talk, sometimes it is accomplished through introspective writing, and sometimes it is nothing more than a silent dialogue of thoughts. But regardless of the medium, this continuous process of expressing, listening, and questioning allows me to travel inwards towards a greater awareness of myself.