452. Subject And Object

A human being longs to be both subject and object. The desire to be a subject, to be the one who is “I”, is the want to be more than an object that is only manipulated and used. It is the want to decide for oneself, to be absolutely free to make every choice. It is the want not only to perceive the world and feel it, but to think about it, reflect on it, and make plans for the future. It is the want to be no less than any other subject and equally responsible for life. It is the want to be separate from the world, to be a kingdom to oneself, to be capable of resisting all that is other. It is the want to dream and imagine and create, to change the world by adding something entirely new to it.

In contrast is the desire to be an object. This is not a desire to be just any object, for what a human being wants is to be the object. It is the want to be all that exists and not reduced to the smallness of the “I”. It is the want for existence to be as it should be at all times, without having to choose. It is the want to know what is and what must be, without needing to think or reflect. It is the want to be supreme and never merely equal. It is the want to be the world, to merge with it, so that nothing is separate or foreign. It is the want for everything to be exactly as it must be, with no need to imagine or create. It is the want to be completely certain, totally satisfied, and always important. It is the want to be the ultimate, to be god.

Of course, a human being can never perfectly fulfill these desires. Both are regularly challenged by the other, whose endless demands prevent every individual from being fully subject or object. The very best one might do is to recognize that the subject that is the self is also the object that is the world, and in being both, one is already free and always part of the ultimate.