102. Shame Is Suffering

When I’ve done something that others think is inappropriate or wrong, I feel embarrassed. If I also sense I’ve acted wrongly then I feel guilt. These feelings are intuitive responses that arise immediately from my present situation and how it relates to my past experience.

If I’m sensitive to these feelings, I will quickly respond to them by taking action to rectify the underlying problem. If the situation is resolved or otherwise brought to an end, then my feelings of embarrassment or guilt will dissipate with time.

Later, I will reflect on what I’ve done. I might realize it was significant, insofar as it contradicts my values or the values of the people I care about. I might then judge myself to have acted badly, or even to have done something I should never have done. In this way, my embarrassment or guilt can be transformed into shame.

Shame is a kind of suffering that arises because I’m averse to being someone who does wrong and I am attached to this aversion. It is impossible to satisfy this aversion because the past is immutable: I must be the person I already am and I have done wrong. What I do not have to be is someone who is attached.

I have the option of releasing myself from this aversion or any other intention I might hold. This does not mean that my judgment of wrongdoing will change, for I may very well be justified and correct in judging myself to have done wrong. All that changes is that I allow myself to be separate from this particular intention and the judgments that are associated with it.

Without doing this, I risk being consumed by shame. I will then endlessly compare myself to the person I should be but am not, and I will continue to suffer without end. And when I am engulfed in suffering, it is nearly impossible for my attention to be as open and free as needed to act responsibly and compassionately. The result is that shame ends up perpetuating not only my own suffering, but the suffering of others, as well.