122. Radical Responsibility

If I’m forced to do something, are the actions I perform mine? If I’m compelled to say something, are the words I utter mine?

I want to say these actions and words are not mine because they do not come from my own will, and thus they have little to do with me. I want to say that these actions and words are the consequences of systems and laws I do not control but must still follow in order to survive, and thus I cannot be responsible for them. I want to say these things because the alternative is too much to bear.

If I were responsible for these actions and words, then I would have participated in an injustice and I would feel guilty. I would feel I had let down people who relied on me, and that I had not lived up to my own principles and values.

I would also feel the need to pose many questions. Was there a real alternative to my actions or words? If I hadn’t done these things, would they have been performed by someone else instead? Does the inevitability of the result influence my responsibility? Can I ever be forgiven for all of the things I have done and said? These questions have no certain answers, and this might push me towards allowing myself to continue doing what I know to be wrong.

To instead choose to take responsibility is a challenging and radical act. It means accepting I have done wrong merely to survive, perhaps even when I had no other viable option. To accept this is not to drown in permanent guilt, but to begin to see how the world must become better than it currently is. It is also to see that I can and must start making changes in my own life.

I must resist and condemn the systems and laws that force me to perpetuate harm. I must do this even if it means I will experience enormous pain. In some cases, I must do this even if it means I might die. I must do this because it is in me and others as individuals where change must first take place. It must happen there or it will not happen at all.