176. Overwhelmed By Anxiety

I’m worried about an upcoming event. You don’t think I should be worried, and you tell me you’re not worried about it. You give me reasons to believe my worry is unfounded. You carefully explain why the bad outcome I’m worried about is unlikely to happen.

Despite your determined efforts, I’m still worried. I’m afraid of doing anything that could increase the chances of a bad outcome. I want to retreat, I want to hide, I want to stay safe. This is frustrating for you, because you know there is no reason for this and I shouldn’t be afraid.

But my worry does not originate in reason and it cannot be dispelled by reason. My worry is instead rooted in a judgment I’ve made. I’ve imagined the future and I’ve judged that there is something bad that could happen to me. My judgment follows from my own understanding, memories, and imagination. No one can alter it, except me. My judgment might be correct or it might be wrong, but this does not matter.

The problem is that I’m holding my judgment too tightly. I identify with it, which means I see it as a necessary part of me. From this position, I cannot do anything but worry. I’m concerned about my choices because I don’t want to bring about the bad outcome. I’m overwhelmed by anxiety because of my strong attachment to the judgment.

Because I’m hyperfocused on the potentially bad outcome that might harm me, I block myself from any possibility of living well. I retreat into myself and hide from the world, when it is precisely the regular encounter with the world that I need to live joyfully.

To free myself from my judgment, I must loosen my hold on it. I must see that it is not me, but a separate object of experience. I must see that identifying with it produces the anxiety I feel. When I have space from my judgment, I will still be aware of the potential problem that is approaching, but I won’t be overwhelmed by it. I then allow myself the opportunity to do what is most beneficial to me and the people around me.