273. Out Of Time

Another day, another defeat. Despite trying relentlessly to get somewhere, I’m stuck where I started. And it’s impossible to know if the situation will improve. Tomorrow looms before me in my mind, and I can’t say with any certainty that it will be better than today. The prognosis feels bleak.

The problem is that I’m running out of time. There are so many things I want to do, and I feel I need do all of them. But my time is finite. Days are passing and once they pass they’re gone forever. At the same time, not every day is as bad as today, and I have made some limited progress over the weeks and months. But is that really enough?

People keep telling me that I’m still young, that I have lots of time, that I don’t need to worry. I just nod when they say this, but I hate hearing it. It might be true, but it also feels false on another level. Time is slipping away and with it goes the chance of achieving what I want to achieve.

If I don’t reach my short-term goals soon, I won’t even be able to start on my long-term goals. There simply won’t be enough time, and I know it. I’ll be too old, too tired, too weak and I’ll have to start calling things off. Even the thought of calling things off is frustrating. Narrowing my ideals feels wrong. It feels like an enormous betrayal, one too big to tolerate.

It’s intolerable because it means that I’m limited. I’ll be stuck with a small set of meagre accomplishments, and I’ll be confined to them for the rest of my life. That’s the real problem, right there. If I fail now, I also fail forever. There isn’t any chance to do it over again. This life is the only one I’ll ever have.

It’s either success now or total oblivion, I think. I have to be constantly successful, all of the time. Falling behind is not an option. Falling behind means disaster, it means permanent defeat, it means having to accept failure.

I decide I have to go faster. I have to go faster and that means I’ll have to work harder. It feels like there’s no other way. Every moment must be devoted my goals — every hour, every minute, every second. I’m running out of time.