158. Nothing Is Wrong

She has no idea what she is doing. She is fully aware of this and she has decided she is fine with it. What she’s trying to do is to make something, but she doesn’t know how to do this. There’s no plan or process to her actions. She’s only playing around, trying to see what might be possible in the medium, and what might be possible in her.

Nothing is wrong, everything is right. She keeps telling herself this as she plays. She’s making something. It’s emerging at this very instant. She can’t say what it is, only that it exists. She knows it exists because she can see it right in front of her. She’s following her intuitions, allowing them to shape her creation in the way she envisions it. Her vision is admittedly more lofty than her ability, but still she presses forward.

She has decided she’ll accept whatever she ultimately does. As she’s reminding herself of this, she makes a mistake. Strange to call it a mistake, she realizes. So strange that she begins to laugh. She’s so judgmental that she calls things “mistakes” even when she’s just playing, and in this moment, that feels hilarious.

Despite the numerous deviations from her vision, she refuses to become frustrated. Not with her creation, nor with herself. There’s no goal to reach, after all. Nothing is wrong, everything is right. She blends her “mistake” into the rest and it transforms into something else entirely.

Whether or not her creation is any good is irrelevant. She likes what she’s making. She is pleased by it. She takes a step back to get a better look and she finds her creation absurd but also wonderful. It’s a disaster, she decides a moment later, and then laughs again. Her negative judgments simply will not leave her alone.

She looks at it again. She tells herself just to look, without judgment. Nothing is wrong, everything is right. But she can’t stop having thoughts. It’s a wonderful disaster, she thinks. It’s beautiful in its own way. She doesn’t know what she’ll do with it, but that doesn’t matter. Only the joy of creating matters. And she hasn’t had this much fun in years.