62. New Beginnings

A strong feeling is present in me but I do not understand it. To see it clearly, I need to sit patiently with it. I need to allow it to exist without any form of interference. I can’t try to preserve it, fight it, or control it. It might last for a long time or it might depart quickly, but this is not up to me.

Right now, I am only an observer. I am not even the source of the feeling. I am looking at the feeling, watching it without any intention or goal. If I achieve anything, it will only be in seeing what my feeling is and where it comes from.

The depth of a single feeling can be terrifying when I’ve never looked so carefully before. It seems to contain a darkness that could swallow me whole. This easily causes a new feeling to arise — the fear of what lies beyond. Because fear is so powerful, it pulls my attention away from the feeling I’m trying to observe. I want to run to the safety of a distraction, to anything familiar and known.

But I have to keep watching in order to gain the chance to understand. I need to watch my feeling from the moment I notice it until the moment it departs. Then I might just be able to discover its shape and its source. It is this awareness I need.

As I gradually become more aware of my feelings, I also become more sensitive to myself and others. I begin to see how the experiences we share as human beings give rise to many of the same feelings and responses.

When I am sensitive and aware, I make different choices and I act differently. This happens because I begin to see what I must do. I begin to understand how the suffering of regret, despair, or anxiety arises in me and causes me to act in ways that are limiting and harmful. I begin to take action to rid myself of that suffering and create joy in its place.

All of these new beginnings originate in the decision to quietly observe the feelings that arise in me. And this is why I must always be patient and watch with great care.