96. My Shifting Moods

I’m not in the mood for that. This is the thought that often arises when there is something I need to do, but it feels like too much of a burden to do right now. My focus then shifts to my mood and how I’m currently feeling. And this can easily become the decisive factor in what I choose to do.

Sometimes I get annoyed with myself over this. I tell myself it’s just a form of procrastination. I tell myself I should just do what I need to do. I tell myself I should not allow my moods to control me. In the end, I discipline myself into doing whatever it is I’m avoiding. This works because the thing that must be done actually does get done.

But this approach also wears me down. It feels like forced labour, like I’m fighting myself, like I’ve become the kind of bullying authority I detest. I might be more productive by being harsh with myself, but I end up feeling worse because I’ve been coerced into action.

To live at the whim of my shifting moods also won’t work. That would make it nearly impossible for me to be an attentive and caring human being. But perhaps I do not need to do anything drastic. Perhaps there is also a gentler approach.

I can allow my current mood to exist without fighting it, while also trying to do something. It might not be the thing I most need to do, but I can still get myself moving in whatever direction the barriers to action are smallest. Instead of resorting to force and discipline, I only need to maintain this active state.

I allow myself to move from one thing to the next without intervention. It doesn’t take long before I get started on the thing I needed to do in the first place. Each of the smaller actions helped to loosen me enough to do what I must. No harsh discipline was required, only the decision to trust myself and to try to exist actively rather than passively.