449. Lost In Battle

Everything feels like a battle. It’s a battle to get things done on time. It’s a battle to pay attention to everything that’s happening. It’s a battle to keep others happy and cooperative. It’s a battle to figure out what to do and when to do it. It’s a battle to find time to relax and even more of a battle to actually relax.

I’m stuck in the feeling that everything that happens to me is a kind of conflict. I’ve become too combative, too resistant, too fortified in myself. I’m fighting my way through life instead of flowing with it. All of this is unsustainable, and I need to bring an end to this tension before it brings an end to me.

I’ve recognized the problem, but there is still the question of how to resolve it. I know I need to act with compassion, but how? My attention is far too limited. I’m seeing life only through the lens of conflict and opposition. Everything around me looks like something to be fought, something I must oppose.

To broaden my view of things, I need to release myself from this perspective. I need to allow myself to see through the melee towards the possibility of peace. Noticing this possibility is no easy task. I have to look into the very heart of the present moment. Only there might I see that there is something needed, not just out in the world but in me.

My own needs have been neglected. By narrowing myself to the battles that I’m fighting, I’ve also narrowed my ability to see and meet my needs. Only compassion can grant the freedom from suffering that I need, either from someone else or from myself. Temporarily freed from suffering, I will again see the possibility that exists in every moment, and I will begin to move with the world instead of fighting it at every turn.