138. I Do Not Need To Know

I’m outside, sitting on a comfortable chair. It’s a lounger, so I’m almost lying down. The sun is oppressively hot but I’ve positioned myself in the shade of a huge tree, so the temperature is pleasant. There’s barely any wind and only a wisp or two of cloud in the sky. By my side, I have a cold sugary drink and the novel I’ve been reading. I should be able to relax.

I was working too much and I thought I should take some time off. So here I am, trying to do just that. I guess this is what it’s like to relax. I’m not doing anything, and my mind is largely free of thoughts. No immediate problems or worries are bothering me. But I don’t feel good. I don’t think I’m doing this right.

How is this possible? I pose this question to myself, but I receive no answer. Only vague feelings are present. I have the sense that something’s not right. Perhaps it’s that I shouldn’t be out here lounging in the shade in the middle of the day. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m stagnant, that my mind and body need to move. Perhaps if I were moving, I would feel better.

Now it’s obvious I’m thinking, and any possibility of relaxation has been lost. Do I really need to move or is it just that I’m unable to sit still? If it’s only activity for the sake of activity, isn’t that yet another distraction? And is that the kind of movement I really want?

I don’t think so. What I want is movement with direction, movement that does something and has value. What is that something? What is its value? I still have no answers for myself. I’ve got to stop thinking. It’s not helping me at all. I decide to listen to my body and see what it does.

I sit there, listening carefully, waiting for some clear indication. I expect it to come in a form I’ll understand rationally but it doesn’t. I simply find myself beginning to move without thought or intention. I’m already up from the lounger, I’m already going somewhere, but I don’t know where. I’m somehow confident I don’t need to know. This feels absurd to me, and at the same time, strangely exciting. In this moment, I do not need to know anything at all.