208. Hidden Treasures

He looks at her but she does not return his glance. Her eyes are aimed elsewhere, but where exactly, he does not know. She seems to be looking straight ahead, but there is nothing there but a blank wall. He decides she must be lost in thought.

He would like to know what she is thinking, but even more than that, he would like to know what she is feeling. He has noticed that she hides most of her feelings and shares only what passes through a narrow filter. He thinks most people do this, but she has taken the practice to an extreme. She hides almost everything, supplying little more than a carefully-curated portrait of herself. What is she actually feeling? This is the question he wants to answer more than any other.

He could just ask her. He has thought of this before, but he never actually does it. He is worried about how she will respond. He is concerned he will unleash something he will not be able to handle. But he cannot let such worries control him. He has to at least make an attempt.

What are you feeling right now? He hears his words more than he speaks them. He has committed himself now, and that is terrifying. She remains still for a moment, before turning to him and saying she feels tired. And what else? He speaks again, pressing forward. He knows that “tired” is the sanitized response, the one already waiting on the surface for a question like his. He knows there has to be more. She asks him what he means. I know you have more feelings than that. He almost cannot believe his own words. Where did he find the audacity to say such a thing?

She looks away again, and he worries he has upset her and she will not answer. But then a smile starts to bloom, quietly transforming her face. She tells him that she feels at peace, a peace she has only rarely felt before. He is happy to hear these words, to hear something genuine emerge from her at last. She says she feels relaxed and vibrant at the same time. He isn’t sure what that means, but he is delighted nonetheless.

He nods slowly to acknowledge her response, and he sits with her words. To be both relaxed and vibrant must be a truly serene experience. He wonders if he has ever felt anything like that, but he is not certain he has. He tries to imagine it, to place himself inside her idea. It feels strange but exciting. He can’t help wonder what other treasures she might be hiding from him.