172. Hidden Attachments

When I want something, I set an intention to get it. I then manage and control myself towards fulfilling the intention. My attention and actions become more narrow and rigid because I’m focused on my goal. When I accidentally do something that undermines my intention, I get angry at myself for lacking self-control. I worry about anything that might cause the object of my desire to become less attainable. And if I discover it actually has become unattainable, I might fall into despair.

I suffer in these ways because I’ve quietly become attached to my intention. This can happen for any intention I form, regardless of whether it’s a desire, an aversion, or a belief. I cannot live without intentions, as they are part of what it is to be a human being with the benefit of reflective consciousness. But at the same time, I cannot allow myself to become attached if I want to live free of the suffering I’ve experienced as anger, anxiety, or despair.

To break free of attachment, I must allow my awareness to develop, so that I can see the nature of my intentions and how attachment to them inevitably leads to suffering. It is with a broader awareness that I will begin to intuitively see how to act from compassion and not from attachment to particular intentions. But because my intentions are numerous and varied, hidden attachments can easily undermine the freedom of attention necessary for my awareness to expand.

In this situation, I have no choice but to use intention and control to help me. In particular, I need to set an intention towards greater awareness. I must be careful not to become attached to this intention because that would just mean more suffering. I have to use this intention as a way to protect my attention from attachments that are hidden below the surface.

Doing so means using short instances of control to create pockets of space where my attention can break free and help my awareness broaden. These pockets of space are similar in form to the emptiness that can be found through traditional meditation. Gradually, I learn how to allow for this space to exist without imposing control. As my awareness expands, my intuitions of what is needed and necessary grow stronger, and I begin to move through the world with compassion and without producing further suffering.