223. Fifty-One Words

He wants to write but he cannot find the words. He has already written three sentences, exactly fifty-one words in total. He knows this because he has counted them twice. Fifty-one words and nothing more. The fifty-second word is not forthcoming.

Whatever spring of imagination supplied his fifty-one words seems to have gone dry. He cannot help but feel despair at this realization. How can he write anything if there are no words available to him? He is trying to build a path to some unknown place but he has already run out of bricks.

This feeling of dry absence is worse than staring at a blank page. While the blank page taunts with its emptiness, it also allows for infinite possibilities. But now he is saddled with fifty-one words that feel significant. They are evidence he has begun something and he ought to keep going. But he cannot.

He shouldn’t even be thinking about this. He should be thinking about ideas, concepts, the language he needs to reach his reader. He tries to clear his mind, to locate some modicum of focus. He stares intently at the words before him. But nothing happens.

After a moment or two, he realizes he’s actually thinking about a phone call. An old friend is supposed to call him later today, someone he hasn’t spoken to in ages. He’s worried about this. Part of his worry is that he’s always so awkward on the phone. He’s also not sure the two of them will get along like they used to. So much time has passed and he knows he has changed.

In the midst of worrying about this, he notices his attention returning again and again to a single word. For whatever reason, it seems to stand out from the others. The word is “bereft”. It seems perfectly ordinary, yet he cannot pull himself away from it. Bereft of what? Time, satisfaction, money, love, resources. Any of these would be a legitimate answer for him.

He realizes this does not matter. What he wants is to write and he cannot. He can do anything but write. But surely this is not true either. He can actually only do one thing. He must follow himself wherever he goes.