92. Desires And Necessities

Someone I care about wants me to do something I cannot do. I am unable to do it because there is something else I must do instead. I feel this other task is necessary because I can see it would be profoundly harmful for it to go undone.

This is not a conflict between two desires. It is not a matter of fulfilling my desire instead of the other person’s desire. It is a matter of yielding to the necessity of compassion or attempting to avoid it.

To do what is needed by compassion today, I must disappoint someone who is important to me. They want me to do something, but I am not able to do it. Their desire will go unfulfilled, and if they are attached to that desire, they will now suffer the pain of dissatisfaction.

It seems natural to believe I have directly caused this suffering and to feel guilty for it. But this guilt is actually another form of suffering that arises from my own attachment. The intention to which I am attached is my aversion to upsetting others.

Even if I do not suffer guilt, I still feel responsible for the additional suffering that follows from my actions. And this is good, because I am responsible for it. I am not responsible for satisfying the specific desires of other people, but I am responsible for suffering in general, and I share this responsibility with all others.

The people I care about suffer when their strongest desires go unfulfilled. If they could see the nature of their suffering and how it arises from attachment, then they would suffer much less when this happens. And it inevitably happens to all of us. There are attachments buried so deep in me that it might take a lifetime to loosen all of them. Attachment and the suffering it produces are part of what it is to be a human being.

The best thing I can do is help the people around me see their own suffering more clearly. With broader awareness and open attention, not only will they be able to free themselves from suffering, they will also begin to see the necessity of compassionate action.