414. Delusional Relationships

Firmly attached to a specific desire, my ability to see reality is occluded. My attention cannot reach what is happening in and around me, because I’m seeing everything through the lens of my desire and its possible satisfaction. I’m ignoring important information and putting too much emphasis on the evidence that supports my desire.

With my attention so heavily restricted, I can’t get an accurate picture of things, which means it’s easy for me to fall into delusion. This is especially true when the desire is intense and its object is present, which is often what happens when it involves another person. Sometimes these delusions are glaringly obvious, but often they are more subtle.

The most common subtle delusion in a relationship is to believe that an agreement has been reached when no such agreement actually exists. I believe that we have agreed that our relationship will go in a certain way, but we have not. It is my own attachment to a particular ideal of the relationship that has deluded me into thinking I’m living in this imaginary world when I’m actually living in another.

The problem becomes even more complicated when the other person in the relationship also has an attachment to a very different ideal. Then we’re both living with incompatible delusions while interacting with each other in a shared world that neither of us can properly see. A consequence of this is that communication becomes difficult. There is always some part of the words we express to each other that has been manipulated by our delusions.

To be capable of seeing the truth of our relationship, we would have to become aware of our relationship ideals and our attachments to them. Only by seeing these things clearly does it become possible for us to be fully honest about what we want in the relationship and what it means for each of us. By dissolving our delusions, we also gain the opportunity for a better relationship founded on mutual compassion and joy.