210. Dangerous Desires

There are things you want that you know would not be good for you. Having them would in some way harm you or your loved ones. You know what these these things are, and you know to ignore your desire for them. You’ve sought these things before and terrible consequences followed. Your memory of this keeps you on guard against yourself.

From your experience, you’ve learned that not every desire you have is a good one, and you approach your own wants with skepticism. You interrogate your desires, you examine them closely, and you consider the potential consequences of their fulfillment.

Still, you often feel pulled towards things you know would bring certain disaster. You battle this force constantly. You battle it by seeking distraction in anything that might take your attention away from the desired thing. You battle it by bribing your attention with things that are good for you. You battle it most often through nothing more than sheer strength of will.

For the most part, this works, and you manage to circumvent your most harmful desires. But sometimes what happens is that a new desire emerges, a desire for something you do not fully understand, and despite your careful consideration of it, you fail to discover the danger that lurks behind it.

Seeing no harm, you seek to fulfill your desire. You devote yourself to it, both in thought and action. You become more and more enamoured with the idea of its fulfillment. You start putting considerable time and resources into it. And then, after all this, you finally get what you want.

The wanted thing is everything you hoped it would be, but it is also more. It is precisely this more that you have not anticipated and you do not want. It is your worst nightmare come true. And it is this that will haunt you for the rest of your days.