47. Consumed By Conflict

When the world feels hostile, it is easy to fall into a pattern of endless judgment, criticism, and opposition. I see how things could be better and I imagine an ideal world. This imaginative vision is valuable because it shows me a possible alternative, but it can also transform into a problem.

I can easily become attached to my ideal. It seems so much better than reality and I want it to exist. I want changes to the present that cannot exist presently. Instead of accepting the world as it is and working from there, I start to fight everything around me. There is a conflict between me and the world. My desire for a better world is pressing, but the present world must be as it is. I suffer as I experience this discrepancy.

My suffering might take the form of anger towards others, despair over my life, or anxiety about the future. It might be one of these feelings one day and another the next. All of these feelings drain me, and I expend enormous energy trying to appease them. For the conflict between my ideal and reality is not a passive consequence. It is a battle I actively maintain. I manipulate my attention and actions in response to my suffering, and I quickly use up all of my resources.

When I am so completely consumed by conflict, I have nothing left to devote to bringing about actual change. I need to allow the world to exist as it is. I need to see how it could be better without becoming attached to my desire for an ideal. To do this I need to see my attachment and how it produces suffering. I need to see that there is space between myself as the subject who experiences and my desire as an object created by my judgment. I cannot escape from my desire for a better world, but I must recognize that this desire is not me.

Seeing these things is not easy. I cannot simply notice them once and then carry on with my life, for the attachment will immediately return. I must actively and continuously see them, and this requires effort. But through this effort, I can end my self-produced suffering and restore my energy. Then it will be finally possible for me to do what I must to help create a meaningfully better world.