133. An Encouraging Smile

He says he’s struggling. He says he’s feeling lost. He says he feels like he’s wasting his life. He says he doesn’t find any meaning in anything. He says everything seems pointless.

She listens and nods as he talks. He looks at her with a pleading face, a face that still carries some hope. She asks him if he has ever tried meditation. He laughs, because it seems obvious that he has. Everyone has tried it, he tells her, but it doesn’t do anything.

She has heard this many times. She tells him that he might not notice the benefits, that they take time to appear, that the practice must be sustained to be effective. He says he understands this, but he doesn’t see why he should keep doing something that doesn’t produce results.

She tells him that he needs to trust himself. He asks if she means he should trust the process. No, trust yourself. It is your own body and mind you must trust. He says that he always follows the instructions perfectly, that he returns to the breath whenever his mind wanders away.

She tells him that to focus on the breath is only a technique that provides a place for the mind that is not a thought or a feeling. The idea is to release what arises, without holding on to it and without fighting it. He says that he already does exactly this. Now it is her turn to laugh. She tells him that he must be an expert, and it is only a matter of trust.

You will begin to notice the character of the thoughts and feelings that arise, she tells him. You will begin to see how they arise and what causes them. By loosening yourself from everything that arises you reach peace, a peace without time or distinctions, a peace completely empty and quiet.

And then what, he asks. She smiles at him. And then you will know what to do. He wonders why there is something he needs to do. She tells him that the result of practice is not a feeling or a thought but always action. He becomes even more skeptical. Is the point not to feel better?

You will feel better, she tells him. And you won’t even notice it at first. You will do something you never dreamed of doing and you will struggle at it, but it will feel right. It will feel like you are meant to do it and like everything now makes sense.

He says that sounds crazy. She tells him to try it anyway. He wants to ask more questions, but he isn’t sure what to say. She continues to smile at him. Even days later, he cannot seem to get that smile out of his mind.