60. A Terrible Mistake

Your friend is making a terrible mistake. You’ve been in their situation before and you know it ends badly. You don’t want your friend to experience the same pain and suffering you experienced. You want them to change course.

You tell your friend about your concerns and you give them good reasons to take your advice. They listen to you carefully and they seem to understand your reasoning, but they don’t agree with you about the outcome. You think it will end in certain disaster, but they feel it’s going to work out. You plead with them to reconsider, but they still stand by their choice. You think they are being stubborn and that they do not want to admit their mistake. They think you’re just pessimistic and everything will be fine.

The disagreement cannot be overcome. You’re upset because you know they’re going to be hurt, and it feels like there is nothing you can do. You can only wait and watch it happen, and this makes you feel terrible.

You are suffering. You have a strong aversion to your friend’s actions and the harm you believe these actions will produce, and you have become attached to this aversion. Your friend will not change course and so your aversion is confronted by a reality that you do not want. The suffering you are experiencing as fear and worry is the product of your attachment.

If you do not step back now, you risk being consumed by your suffering. Intense worry might cause you to argue with your friend and push them away. And then who will be there to offer support when the inevitable happens? By allowing yourself to be manipulated by your suffering, you will only produce additional suffering for yourself and your friend. They do not want you to worry and they do not want you to suffer. But the only person who can prevent this particular suffering is you.

You’ve made your concerns known and now there is nothing more for you to do. You must allow events to unfold as they will. As difficult as it is to do, you must try to create some space for yourself by loosening your attachment. This means you have to look into yourself and see the root of your attachment. You need to see how it is actively producing the suffering you feel.

By creating space for yourself, you allow your attention to shift to what you can actually do to support your friend. With open attention and freedom from attachment, you will be able to offer yourself and your friend the compassion you both need.