170. A Real Artist

You’re an artist, or at least you thought you were. You’ve been making things for as long as you can remember. Always experimenting, always trying something new, always creating. Along with the making, you try to share your creations whenever you can. Sometimes people love them, and sometimes they don’t say much at all.

Your own feelings about your work shift constantly. Sometimes you feel an almost obsessive love for your creations. Sometimes you feel nothing but vague indifference. And sometimes you are your own harshest critic.

You wonder if people understand what you’re trying to do. You wonder if you just don’t have what it takes. You wonder if you should do something else. Something that could make you some money, for one thing. Something that would feel like less of a dead end.

Still, people are always saying you have talent. They tell you that you should keep practicing and improving your style. They tell you that you shouldn’t give up on your dreams. But you also have doubts. Won’t you end up in poverty for the rest of your life? Isn’t that too much to ask of a person? And is it really supposed to be this hard?

You imagine a real artist would just keep doing the work. You imagine a real artist would find new ways to help their art reach others. You imagine a real artist would find applause and success. On this standard, you’re not a real artist.

You’ve considered reducing your art to a hobby. But you know that means you won’t be as serious about it. You might even stop making things altogether. At the same time, you need money. A job that will pay you enough to survive. But what job? What does it look like? You’re forced to admit you have no idea what you could do.

You wonder if that means something. Maybe there is no alternative for you. Maybe this is what you’re supposed to be doing. Maybe it is this hard. You think about this regularly, but you never arrive at a conclusion. You can’t seem to survive as an artist but could you thrive doing anything else? You only have one life.