81. A Pernicious Illusion

The idea that I am a cohesive individual is a pernicious illusion. In this illusory reality, I am a self fully separate from all others. I see my desires and beliefs as fundamental expressions of the identity of this separate self. And I can easily raise my separate self above others out of vanity or pride.

An individuality where there is only a separate self set against the world as background is not sustainable. It puts me in conflict with everything and everyone I do not take to be part of me. This perpetual state of conflict means I produce endless strife and suffering for myself and others.

I have to allow myself to come apart in order to see how I can come together in a better way. A way that is healthy and livable, a way that transforms suffering into joy. I must fragment my illusory cohesion and expose all of the parts of myself to attention and inquiry.

I need to explore the contradictions between my parts — not with the intention of erasing them, but to see that there is contradiction in all things. I need to investigate how my feelings and thoughts arise and then depart — not with the intention of fighting them, but to see how all things arise and then depart.

By exploring these features of my own being, I become more aware of the nature of both myself and the world. I come to see that all distinctions are also indistinct, that what is permanent is also impermanent, and that there is both chaos and order in everything. I come to see that the self and the world are themselves not only different but also the same.

In seeing this, I allow the fragments of myself to fit into the fragments of the world. I am separate from the world, but the world and I are also entangled. I renew this awareness by breaking myself into fragments and then becoming whole again. I live in the tension between the parts and the whole, constantly moving from one aspect to another and carefully observing all that is present.

With awareness, I discover there is harmony even in discord. I discover there is truth even in contradiction. I discover there is a path to lasting joy even in the midst of incredible suffering.