37. A Collection Of Pathways

A frequent companion of the active reader is the reading list. My list is is long, varied, and poorly organized. Entries sometimes include details on a book’s content, but often they are nothing but a title.

My list is, in fact, several lists. I abandon them periodically, starting a new one whenever I feel the existing list no longer suits me. But while I stop adding to the old lists, I never delete them. I hold on to them out of the belief that what interested me once might be useful again in the future. Sometimes this is actually true.

I come across the old lists sporadically — most often when I am doing my digital housekeeping. A title grabs my attention and I look it up. If it sustains my interest, then I add it to the current incarnation of the list.

The current list almost always gets out of hand. By this I mean it grows to contain far too many books for me to plausibly read before I get tired of the list and start a new one. But I accept this, for I don’t see the list as a task to complete, or a goal to accomplish.

To see the list as a task would be to transform my reading into a purely practical exercise. I would become overly concerned with progress and results. Anxiety over not reading fast enough would follow, along with the feeling that I need to maintain a certain pace in order to get somewhere on time.

To get where? On time for what? These questions do not make sense.

What I hope to obtain from reading is a type of growth that cannot be measured. My reading list is a collection of pathways I can explore to expand my awareness of myself and the world. Most of these pathways will lead to something I haven’t seen before. Some, perhaps, will not.

All of the books I read are steps in an endless journey. A journey of growth towards greater clarity, sensitivity, and awareness. It does not matter that my list is too long or impossible to complete. All that matters is that I am reading, learning, and growing.